11 - Death-like Transformation
Soon after I met my higher self and inner counselors for the first time consciously in private meditations I decided to take a trip skiing with them. The idea of going out and doing some fun activity without any other people involved was still a new concept for me.
I think the first thing I ventured out to do alone was to start staying at home on Friday nights because going out with my so-called friends that felt like strangers to bars that were too noisy to talk and get to know people seemed insane to me.
I rather chose to face the gaping awesome emptiness of Friday nights alone then do what I knew was destructive to my soul and life.
The next type of thing I tried alone was going to movies. As I am writing this I am considering in retrospect that my inner friends meaning inner spiritual connections were behind the initial urges to do that.
The movies became a massive ingredient in the inner plan for my life that my inner counselors unfolded step by step as I followed along willingly enough. They helped me breaking free of the idea that going there with friends was a fun social entertainment. Going to the movies with friends or dates for fun social entertainment turned out that was about as far away from my true reality and part of my life purpose as far away can be. And that includes any person that would live or work or interact with me. Meaning I just can't go unconscious about the movies anymore and act like they are "entertainment"!
These days after many years and many steps I have gotten to the place where I can sit in the exact same chair or sofa that I watch TV or a movie in and just sit there instead of watching anything for the same time or more as I would watch something. The difference between just sitting and sitting and watching, in my consciousness is probably one of the most amazing things I could ever tell you about. It is truly an extraordinary thing to do.
Learning and practicing to go to movies alone based on the whispered help of my unseen friends suggesting that I do was truly the beginning of my experiencing the incredible power of moving pictures and light and sound and imagery on the brain. This also was a precursor to my understanding of hypnotic trance and the relationship of that to storytelling and shamanic journeying. My love hate relationship with knowing about the business of programming peoples lives had begun before I even realized it. And so had my passion to do whatever I could about that.
For being programmed against your will in the name of entertainment to live your life the way somebody else wants you to is a living nightmare. Being capable of doing so much with your conscious in simple conversation with each other and yet being barred from doing so by the very same mechanisms that you can use for your own benefit and deep rich communications with others is something I care about unlocking a lot. That is why I said love hate relationship with the movies.
Because for example people are entrained to only receive the movies and thus are controlled rather than to realize the power of making their own movies that means using your own imagination to consciously create your own reality and doing what you can to protect other people and corporations and so on from taking you over with your mind with their movies.
The more the unseen friends had me alone with them the more they urged me to and helped me to understand the creative entertainment and advertising industry from a very unique perspective.
That day we went skiing was the strange new feeling of being with them out there in the world in so many ways alone and yet not alone. It was an act of will and determination to make it through that strange day. I had never skied alone. It was a whole entire day out and I was doing it with inner friends only!
On the way home in my beautiful vehicle I marveled at the strangeness of the day that was now ending. The fear of death and the fear of being alone are so close. We humans need each other. We are so interrelated. Learning practicing and training to feel fully and live outside of the normal socialization was just beginning.
I had no conscious idea how so many areas of my life would change with these first steps on my own with my inner counsel as my only family and friends.
Thinking now about how I designed systems for personal development, financial market trading, sexual healing, consciously creating reality with your lover, computer assisted business and content creation, everything happened because I had somewhat faced the death-like fear of being a social innovator and thus a mainstream outsider.
I watched the cars passing by so close in the other direction on the icy winter two lane road as evening settled in. I stared into what seemed like such a small distance between vehicles smoothly passing by each other on our own separate ways and yet so close to a potentially deadly high speed collision. Just one false move.
Years later I marveled at the exactness and precision of life and safety in danger as I understood in martial arts and financial market trading and relationships and working with computers how the margin for error is often very slight and the difference between success and brutal failure was so unforgiving.
True in my soul I was starting to recall the knowing of lives in Rome as both winning gladiator and champion warrior. Knowing given into this life for a reason. For what I have had to do often seems to involve putting my own life on the line with the same confidence and trust in my own abilities.
Only in this lifetime the twist seems to be that I cannot rely only on my self abilities but need to rely on invisible forces and seemingly invisible beings to fulfill my destiny. A trust in the unseen for a person who prefers to trust in what is touchable and visible and earthly is truly a power that is taking some time to develop and discern and partner with.
And yet I have. I have followed that inner trust and faced my own death more times than I know and many times that I do know about. I have worked to elevate my trust and faith and inner knowing to the point of releasing all fear of death and the lower willingness of a warrior willing to die to transform into the consciousness of a lover here on earth willing to live forever.
Now that is a change in values!
Life transformation has many of the same ingredients as death itself. That I can tell you is one of the treasures gained from a life so far of going so close to death that I was already there and then coming back again into the same life.
More than anything it is in relationships that this death-like consciousness has shown its power in my life. Considering that being true to self and changing within and therefore without often involves choices and experiences that lead to living losses that are similar to what we lose as friends and family when we die.
I love relationships more than anything. It's the hardest thing to let go of a person I find. And yet doing so being willing to do it even though feeling willing to do everything to find the way to keep ( most relationships I have had of all kinds) is the most incredible experience in my life.
And this led to my experiencing extraordinary phenomenon with my unseen friends and with the human beings I have had the chance to interact with.